I have no friends on this site. I've only actually been talking to people for maybe a year. I very rarely ever comment on personal blogs. Mostly browsing the sub channels like Datingish and the main page. I have no one to lose touch with. No one to miss.

What I will miss, is my past. Since I was 15/16, this has been my online journal. Every crush, every sexual encounter, every drunken night recorded so I would remember. All the years of hell with Al, all the posts I wrote TO him. High school, college, the years since. Alcohol poisoning, depths of depression and being suicidal again, accidental drug overdoses. My engagement to Nick, leaving him. Rugby boys. Al coming to visit. Years and years of posting about Adam, pretending I didn't want him. The progression of our relationship. The abortion. 

Sure, I'll probably remember it all. But it's so easy to come here, and read through my archives. Instantly transported to a teenager, to a suicidal lonely little girl. To a young woman, in college and full of hope. Abusive relationships. Amazing relationships. Alcohol fueled nights. I'll miss my instant trips down memory lane. My timeline. Where I can see the days these things happened, the exact time I posted the entries. 

I've never really kept a diary, this has always been my solution. Now it might be disappearing. What am I to do? This is the one and only place I've never lied. The one place I've told the bitter disgusting truth my whole life. My safe haven. My outlet for pain and frustration. I have nothing to fill the void should this website disappear.

God fucking damnit.

Oh and I cracked the ceramic stove. There's a huge gouge in the top, and bits of melted plastic/ceramic stuck to it. So now one burner is permanently out of service. FML. Like I've said, when I klutz/spazz out, I go hardcore. 

Speaking of hardcore (actually no, there's no connection or analogy there). My ex-boyfriend has been talking to me again a lot recently. Which isn't unusual in and of itself. We're friends and have always been on great terms. But ever since he got married and had a baby, we don't keep in contact nearly as much. His wife is pretty jealous  and or suspicious of all females apparently.

Maybe with good reason. He wanted to meet up last week and fuck. Yes, he actually outright asked me to meet him somewhere and have sex. Him and his wife are having troubles. They don't communicate and she basically refuses to have sex. 16 months of this, he's been keeping count. She actually told him she only sleeps with him (rarely) because he needs it, and the sooner it's over the better. What an awesome way to make your husband feel like shit!

And surprise surprise. No sex, no conversation and no compromises and the man is ready to cheat with anyone willing. CONGRATULATIONS YOU DUMB WOMAN. Actually, they're equally to blame. He's the fucktard that proposed at 21 and got married at 21 and knocked her up at 21. To a girl he'd known less than a year.  I told him he was an idiot. Just because he was deploying, there was no reason to get married. But no one listened. And now he's miserable.

I'm not even offended or surprised he came to me. Everyone comes to me. I'm everyone's shrink. No matter how blunt I am, they never stop. He's not the only one to think I'd be the other woman either. I may be a slut, and I may be a (former) cheater. But one thing I never did was fuck with taken men. Maybe it's because I'm perverted, sexually open in conversation and one of the guys? Obviously if you talk about sex, you must be willing to do it with everyone who asks. Right? 

Oddly, I didn't even consider it. In the past, I would've shrugged and said "Sure, what day?" I don't connect sex with emotions automatically. So having sex outside my relationships never bothered me. Because it didn't change how I felt about my partner. So normally I would have jumped at the chance to have some excitement. To have a quick romp with someone who likes giving oral. But honestly I just didn't feel like it. 

I guess Adam has me whipped. Or his penis is just so magical that it's settled me down. Not sure. I'm not going to lie and claim it was to avoid hurting (possibly hurting) Adam. I don't feel remorse. I wouldn't have felt bad for doing it. I never feel bad for anything. He just seems to be all I want these days. 

So I thought I'd recount all the various injuries and hospital visits I've had.

-Run over when I was 6. Glasses broke and went into my forehead. Stitches and concussion.

-Sprained right wrist.

-Sprained left wrist.

-Got jumped. Dent in skull, concussion, bruised ribs.

-Went off a snowboard ramp in my sled. Bruised ribs.

-Water slide accident. Concussion.

-Sliding to 3rd base in kickball, sliced elbow open to the bone. Stitches.

-Slipped on a playground. Sliced right shin open to the bone. Stitches.

-Dropped 25 feet out of a tree, dislocated right shoulder.

-Drowned. Heart stopped, CPR administered.

-Clipped by a car, sprained ankle.

-Fist fight, broke both middle fingers.

-Allergic to sunlight, spent 7 hours on an island. Had to go the ER for burn cream, sun poisoning and tachycardia.

-107 degree fever. ER trip.

-Tackled by a football player, bruised thigh bone.

-Broken toes.

-Shoved into a couch frame at a party, concussion.

-Messing around in my friend's car, sprained right shoulder, bruised ribs.

-Car accident. Broken right shoulder, bruised back, concussion.

-Spine surgery x3.

-Epstein Barr Mono.

-Withdrawal from pain meds, pulmonary distress and tachycardia. ER trip.

-Drunkenly fell in a parking lot. Knocked myself unconscious, concussion, ER trip.

-Fell down the stairs, bruised 3 ribs and cracked one.

-AND...fell on the stairs and broke my arm. 

Sadly, I'm probably forgetting a concussion or two. When I say it's a miracle I made it to 23, I'm not kidding. And I'm always astounded when people tell me they've never had stitches or been to the ER. Then again, I'm a daredevil and a klutz. It's no surprise my list is so long.