Just tonight I won't leave
and I'll lie and you'll believe.
Just tonight I will see
that it's all because of me.

Just tonight I will stay
and we'll throw it all away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Adam. My Adam. Is home on leave for the holidays. We went to Kevin's, to smoke and drink and mess around. We actually didn't have any fights, well aside from the one in the kitchen when I kneed him in the balls. I can already feel bruises coming in in the usual spots. My arms from when he grabs me so hard. My ribs from when he picks me up and tosses me.

We've always been so physical with eachother. Even when we first met. Constantly poking at eachother, blowing smoke at eachother, stealing his hat, wrestling around, chasing eachother through houses, through trees or parking lots. But I love it. I love feeling that strength, I love when he pins me down, when he just moves me around on the couch or bed.

I love how we've never tried to change the other. We fought tooth and nail against eachother, had knock down drag 'em out fights, got vicious and nasty and constantly had the same arguements over and over again. But we never expected the other person to change. He holds me on the couch and tells me how beautiful I am. Me, in my sweatpants and hoodie with no make-up on. I can't argue with him, I try and he pins me down and kisses me until I shut up. He'll squeeze me so tight, he'll fist a hand in my hair and pull my head back and kisses me. But I love the roughness. I love being slammed into the wall, I love when he invades my space. How he never asks for permission.

We finally had the talk we needed to. He swore to me he'd wait a year for me, in 11 months he's home for good. I made the same promise. We're not going public yet, but the second he gets home, we're together. I can't believe we actually got to this point. After 5 years of knowing eachother and him wanting me and me saying no and everything snowballing from those events and causing massive horrible fights.

I can't believe I actually won.

I'm in trouble. A girl in crisis. I have a crush on someone...a serious case of butterflies and all that shit.

Dave.  Oh where to begin. Two years I've known the kid. Two years of never seeing eachother, of never speaking. Then, suddenly, months ago out of the blue he starts talking to me on Facebook. Once or twice a month, or every other month. Then more, sometimes every week. And somehow we ended up talking everyday on Facebook or through texts.

I remember the first time I met him. A party at Nathan's. He just walked up and picked me up bridal style, just standing there holding me. And my thought process was "Wtf, strange guy picking me up." Followed by "Oh, he's hot." Dave says he asked if I was a midget, and I called him an asshole. His comment on that? "It was pretty much love at first sight." But just the fact that he remembered me was a surprise.

And I somehow ended up asking him out. I'm not sure you can 'blurt' things out over text, but I did. But we had the worst timing. St. Patty's Day his plane home was late, raincheck. I was throwing up, raincheck. I had to go to my cousin's Confirmation, raincheck. My mother's birthday, raincheck. Etc etc. He told me that if a girl flakes on him like that he would never keep talking to them or trying to hang out, but that there's something special about me.

Finally though we got to hang out. Went to a bar and had a few drinks. Went to another bar for a friend's surprise 21st birthday party, had more drinks. A lot of drinks. Then he decided to take me to a friend's house to chill. I remember finding out he was tickilish and just going to town. We were just wrestling around the whole night, constantly. By the time we got to Sean's I think he was at his wit's end. I was tickling him and I heard him say "everytime you do that I want to kiss you." But my brain didn't process his words fast enough, and I tickled him again.

And he just grabbed me, knocked the party hat off my head, fisted a hand in my hair, yanked my head back and kissed me. Not exactly the sweetest first kiss ever, but we were parked for a good 10 minutes before finally getting out and going inside. I met his friends and some of mine came over. We did some shots, and then I made the mistake. Popped two Percocets and then did about 8 shots of Jack Daniels. I then just passed out. I just sat down and fell asleep at the table. Dave had to carry me to his car and take me home. Where I apparently proceeded to tell him I could do it by myself, got out of the car and then fell flat on my face a few times in my driveway, until he got out and helped me to my door. Where my dad was standing with a "wtf, not again" look on his face. I marched over to the couch and passed out again for about 6 hours. And woke up with no memory of what the hell had happened.

I make awesome first impressions. I chalked it up as an epic fail and when I didn't hear from Dave for a few days I figured I'd fucked up any chance at getting him to like me. But then last weekend he asked me out again. We went to a different friend's house to chill. The boys drank beer and Dave and I smoked some weed. And while wrestling around the kitchen, he put me in a headlock before slamming me against the fridge and kissing me.

I know know, such violence right? But I'm not exactly a 'sweet' or 'gentle' kind of girl. Except, the kisses did turn sweet. When all of a sudden he broke off the kiss and tilted my face up to look at him. And he just looked at me, cupping my face with one hand stroking my cheek. He didn't say anything, just stared me dead in the eyes, or searching my face with his. Everytime I asked what he was looking at, he'd just kiss me again. And that went on for awhile. When outside smoking the bowl, he did the same thing.

Only he kept trying to get a hand down my pants, or into my bra and I'd push his hands away. Since I was touching him, that seemed to frustrate him and he'd break off the kiss again. Made me look at him again. Searching my face. He finally concluded that I'm "a locked box of secrets" and that he can't read me, he never knows what I'm thinking. But he wasn't upset, he wasn't pissed. He was...understanding. Despite not knowing the problem, or my past, or my insecurities or issues with sex. He seemed to come close. He stopped trying to touch me and just kissed me. Wrapping his arms around me and just holding me.

I know I intrigue him. I know he wants to sleep with me (whether he finds me attractive or not, no idea) and I get the feeling he'd actually be concerned with if I was enjoying it or not. But I haven't heard from him in a few days again. I don't know if he's actually interested in me. If he actually likes me or wants me. I feel like I'm going mad. Trying to figure him out isn't going as well as I planned. When it's normally so easy.

But a few things have come from all of this. I promised I'd stop popping pills and drinking. When normally I refuse to change for a hook up or a guy. But I guess it needs to stop anyway, I keep blacking out and losing chunks and hours of time. But I don't know if I can keep that promise. Secondly, despite finding myself repulsive, I'm conceding that obviously there are others who don't agree. I can now do nothing other than go with the flow.

Now I'm here alone again. Not sleeping, or sleeping when everyone else is awake, and waking to a silent house and silent internet. I still barely see anyone. Barely leave. I have no friends. No lovers. I go to Terry's and we drink. Moonshine, whiskey, 151, wine, vodka, whatever we have. We trade pills and I sell to Harry for weed. I'm back to dealing in exchange for drugs and money. Drinking almost as much as I did at college. Applying for jobs all over the place. As I have been for months. My sad existence, drinking and getting high and trying to sleep, alone aside from a few people who mostly are in their 50's. I'm lonely. I'm tired.

When I'm sober I feel like I'm suffocating. When I'm high or drunk, I feel like I'm suffocating. How long can I stay underwater? How long can I stay not breathing? Dead to the world, dead to those around me. I just want to breathe again, I want to feel alive. I need help. But who am I supposed to ask?

But I will hold on hope.
And I will let you choke,
on the noose around your neck.

And I'll find strength in pain.
And I will change my ways.
I'll know my name as it's called again.

~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For so long now I feel restless. Pacing. Anxious. Waiting. Always always waiting, watching, fading into quiet day by day. How to explain this feeling. Words fail, because it's so elemental, so limbic. I stand still in an empty house, and every instinct inside me tells to scream, to run, to try and break the surface. It feels like drowning, it's this slow creeping wave and suddenly there's never enough air. And my mind says "run" to shake myself out of this stupor and breathe. But breath seems beyond me, I seem to be grasping, flailing towards a surface I can't see. That sense, of standing in a crowd screaming, and no one hears a sound.

Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I've been spinning and climbing and falling so far. Then here I sit, back in the ER, hooked up to IV's flushing the pills out of my body. I ODed. Fine, it happened. But it was an accident. I only wanted to SLEEP, and suddenly this cold fuzzy feeling rose up my body. I lay there, feeling my heart rate slow, and slow further. Calling for my mother, wondering how I'd done this to myself.  Dehydrated, tachycardia, the wrong mixture of painkilers and antidepressants and cold medicine, been awake for two days. Eating chicken nuggets and Coke. Nothing had a taste, my body felt muffled, wrong somehow.

And where to go from here? I have school, yes good. Something to focus on now, to keep me from spinning away again. But what people do I have? I don't know. I hear from no one, I barely see anyone in my house. I'm a phantom, roaming.

I need my friends. They've always been my family. I need someone, anyone, to trust and confide in. Because, this, whatever I'm doing now is not working.

I need a hand. Just one thing to pull me above the surface. One person. Just one that cares about me. Because I'm sorry. For whatever I've unconsciously done to anger people, so sorry. I miss them. I miss you. Everything.